By Vanessa Snyder, PhD, LPC, LMFT, CST, MT, CSAT-C
Resilience Source
A few months ago, I was teaching a section of a course dealing with trauma, sexual assault and rape to over 200 theology and counseling graduate students from nine countries in Eastern Europe and Central Asia. When I asked if a woman could be raped by her husband, there was very little agreement and a lot of dialogue on the topic. The fact that these conflicting beliefs existed did not surprise me, as many of these countries have very few laws around sexual assault and domestic violence. In fact, in these cultures, many do not feel comfortable speaking about sexuality in general, and very few are comfortable talking about the use of power and control in intimate relationships.
Yet when I recently sat with a young Christian couple in suburban America, I was reminded that distortions around sexuality, intimacy and marriage continue to be a global issue. In tears, the young wife explained that her husband said his pornography use was her fault because she would not have sex with him as often as he needed her to. While this form of manipulation and blame-shifting may not meet some definitions of “abuse” (a difficult word to define to begin with), it is certainly on the spectrum of coercive control that, when used systematically, causes serious distress and in the extreme, may predict future violence (Sheley, 2021).
In a 2015 survey on Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that approximately 1 in 3 women will experience some type of intimate partner violence during their lifetime. Over 18% of the time, the violence is sexual, including rape, sexual coercion, or unwanted sexual contact (Smith et. al, 2018). Marital or spousal rape is described as a sexual act committed to the wife (or husband) without consent. Historically, the definition and extent of consent around sexual activity have been misunderstood at best (Jenkins et. al, 2021) however clear the definition could be; “freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific” (i.e., FRIES; Planned Parenthood, 2022). Added to this are marital myths that are wrong and damaging, but which many people still believe, such as: “a man can demand sex from his wife and she must oblige him” or “sexual violence in a marriage is less damaging, less violent, and less serious than when experienced by a stranger” (Jenkins et. al, 2021).
Sexual coercion is broadly defined as tactics used “to elicit sexual activities from unwilling partners” (Pugh & Becker, 2018, p. 3). It is important to note that verbal sexual coercion is different than a partner’s benign sexual coaxing, which is common in intimate relationships. However, there are challenges in identifying the line between “coaxing” and coercion. Coercion tactics include using the “silent treatment,” nagging, threatening (financial, children), yelling, and violence (Smith et. al, 2018). Often, there is a power differential and a message that you “owe” sex to the person. To add to the complexity, research shows that women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (CSA) are at higher risk for experiencing sexual manipulation from an intimate partner in adult relationships (Katz and Tirone, 2008).
This domestic violence, sexual coercion, and marital rape affects individuals physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually (Fortune et. al, 2010). The conceptualization of coercion or rape in marriage is sometimes difficult due to cultural and/or religious beliefs. For instance, some cultures see power over wives as a right or obligation of the husband. For many people of faith, the trauma is exacerbated by the misuse or misrepresentation of sacred traditions and texts (in my world, the Bible) that contribute to the shame, self-blame, and guilt of victims. Simple, pat answers to this complex human issue are sometimes used to justify and rationalize the behavior of the abuser; potentially setting up life-threatening results. As with all suffering and trauma, simple theological formulas minimize the pain of the victim, while trivializing the power of the cross.1
I have learned in my time in the therapist’s chair to be both compassionate and curious whenever a couple has been – or continues to be – in a destructive or coercive sexual pattern. What has led this man and this woman to the place they find themselves? What patterns of relating, loving, and intimacy were modeled for them? Is sex about power, selfish pleasure, obligation, fear, or connection? Have they learned the art of communicating around difficult, often shameful topics? Fundamentally, where is their ‘heart’ for each other?
As I explored those questions, I learned that the young suburban American husband I spoke of earlier felt such shame around his pornography use, that he only knew the art of blame. He was never taught to steward his sexuality. He was never taught the fact that his wife was not required to meet all of his sexual needs. As we worked through therapy, he learned that much like God offers freedom to choose, his wife is able to freely choose to join him in intimacy, where power and control have no place. His change of mindset transformed into freedom to choose him, rather than him controlling her. This place feels a lot like love.
If you are the one asking if your spouse should be required to give you sex on demand, you are asking the wrong question. Sexual manipulation and coercion are at best the signs of a very unhealthy relationship. Seek help from those who will tell you the truth – that love can never be coercive – and who can assist you as you navigate the heart of the issue and work through the roadblocks to the love and intimacy you desire in your relationship.
“Marital rape,” sometimes called “spousal rape,” is defined as nonconsensual sexual activity with one’s spouse
(male or female) and is illegal in all 50 states.
And if you are the coerced partner, you need to know that sexual rape is illegal and is driven by power and control. If your partner is unwilling to get help, there are places you can turn.
Because sexual coercion is contextual, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Any advice given or decision made must take into account everything from the attitude of the coercive partner to the impact of the abuse, to damage already done. Although I have seen heartbreaking examples of those unwilling to change, I have also seen many marriages transformed as repentance grew and forgiveness was offered.
1 Many well-meaning people, including church leaders, attempt to simplify pain and suffering with an isolated scripture verse rather than sitting with the complexity of evil, suffering, and Christ’s presence in it.
Dr. Vanessa Snyder is a Georgia Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Therapist, Master Traumatologist, an AAMFT Approved Supervisor, Approved Clinical Supervisor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Candidate, and a Green Cross Certified Trainer.
Dr. Snyder is the Chief Clinical Officer for Uncaged, an international anti-trafficking organization. Her clinical research focus is on complex trauma, including the treatment of children and adults in the commercial sex trafficking trade, both nationally and internationally. She also researches and trains organizations in secondary traumatic stress, compassion fatigue and burnout, specifically those who serve traumatized populations.
She founded Resilience Source, LLC, in Roswell, Georgia. Resilience Source exists to counsel, consult and train in the areas of acute and complex trauma, marriage and families in crisis, trauma-informed care, compassion fatigue and organizational trauma. She is also an adjunct professor at Richmont Graduate University in Atlanta and Concordia University – Irvine.
References
Fortune, M. M., Abugideiri, S. & Dratch, M. (2010). A commentary on religion and domestic violence. Al-Raida Journal, 6-16. https://doi.org/10.32380/alrj.v0i0.36
Katz, J. & Tirone, V. (2008). Childhood sexual abuse predicts women’s unwanted sexual interactions and sexual satisfaction in adult romantic relationships. In M. J. Smith (Ed.). Child sexual abuse: Issues and challenges (pp. 67-86). Nova Publishers.
Jenkins, B. D., Le Grand, A. M., Golding, J. M., Lynch, K. R., & Wolber, G. (2021). The impact of threat type and prior abuse history on perceptions of intimate partner sexual coercion. Violence against women, 27(10), 1566-1585.
Planned Parenthood. (2022). Sexual consent. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
Pugh B. & Becker, P. (2018). Exploring definitions and prevalence of verbal sexual coercion and its relationship to consent to unwanted sex: Implications for affirmative consent standards on college campuses. Behavioral sciences 8(8): 69. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs8080069
Sheley, E. L. (2021). Criminalizing coercive control within the limits of due process. Duke Law Journal. 70, 1321.
Smith, S.G., Zhang, X., Basile, K.C., Merrick, M.T., Wang, J., Kresnow, M., Chen, J. (2018). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey (NISVS): 2015 Data brief – Updated release. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Atlanta, GA.