Helping professionals.
Finding the right help can be a daunting task. To assist, we recommend the following:
How to locate a helping professional.
There are several pointers to keep in mind when looking for professional help.
Start with recommended individuals.
Typically, the best choice is to begin with professionals who are referred by other trusted individuals. For example, you may ask friends, pastors, physicians, physical therapists, or others you trust. You may be hesitant to ask people for referrals, especially around sexual issues, but because so many people face these issues it is worth reaching out for recommendations.
Look for specializations.
Specialized helpers often have groups or online referral networks. Start with what is important to you and look for professionals in your area. Examples of places to begin for various issues are listed below.
Do your research
Remember, you are the customer. Be a wise one. Research the professional you have identified. Look through their website, their bio, and listen to videos or podcasts they have recorded. Read articles you find by them. Reach out to their office to ask specific questions.
You are looking for a professional who:
Is trained and experienced in exactly what you are dealing with.
Just because they are a Certified Sex Therapist doesn’t mean they stay up to date on the newest findings or are experienced with your specific issue (for example, sexual pain). You want to know how much they work with your issue and what their specialized areas of sexual help are. Ask the questions; you are the customer.
There is great value in finding a licensed professional. Not only are they more likely to be more highly trained, but most State and Federal laws protect the confidentially of what you discuss with a licensed professional. Non-licensed professionals can be excellent helpers, but they typically are somewhat less rigorously trained, may not have external oversight (a licensing board), and your confidentiality with them is generally not legally protected, even if they tell you they will protect it.
Is accessible to you.
Current laws generally prohibit licensed professionals from practicing In any state where they don’t hold a license. If the specialist you found isn’t in your state, you will need to explore with them if there are ways they can be accessible and work with you. Or, you may have identified a helping professional in your state who specializes in exactly what you need – but if they are hours away from you, you are unlikely to see them as often as is needed.
Some therapy is most effective with semi-weekly, weekly or bi-weekly sessions where you complete homework between sessions. Various treatments may also require frequent visits for a time. If you live too far away to make these sessions, you will not progress well and may be wasting time and money.
Similarly, you also need to make sure you can afford the course of therapy or treatment. Many specialists do not accept any insurance payments.
If a specialist is too far away or not affordable, consider working with a competent generalist nearby. Talk with them about doing occasional consulting with the specialist. Many professionals regularly consult in such ways.
Bottom line: Find therapy that is accessible to you.
You can click with.
This is the most difficult factor, but help is best when you “click” with the helping professional. This may mean you feel like they are listening, you trust them, you feel good talking to them, they share your faith, or just that you are confident they can help. If you meet with them and don’t believe they can help or don’t feel that you will be open and honest with them, they are probably not the best professional to help you.
Consider intensives
Intensive therapy programs often provide advantages over traditional (week-to-week or biweekly) therapy. Typically, intensive therapy programs last 3-5 days. They may be one on one (one couple with a counselor) or several couples in a group therapy style with multiple counselors. Group intensives have been shown to be particularly effective, though not appropriate for all issues. While the upfront cost may seem high, it is usually a bargain when compared to what you would otherwise spend on longer-term per-session fees.
The rapid change that can occur in an intensive program can be dramatic, but make sure there is a solid follow-up program for best long-term effectiveness.
There are programs that specifically provide marriage intensives (see below), but many therapists are skilled and experienced in providing these as well. If you find a specialist you like, you might ask if they provide intensives, or if they can recommend someone with a similar style and philosophy who does.
Use a team when necessary.
Many issues, especially sexual issues, require a multi-disciplinary team approach that includes many professionals working from different disciplines to help you resolve the issue.
For example, female sexual pain is particularly complex. Meeting with just one professional will typically provide only one perspective and may not accurately diagnose the core issue or provide the treatment protocol needed.
Finding the right helping professional(s) can seem like an overwhelming task, so just take it one step at a time. Recognize in advance that it may take several visits to different people until you find individuals you believe will help. It’s worth it. Get support and keep moving forward.
Once you have selected a professional and have your sessions or treatments scheduled, your work is just beginning.
Be prepared
Don’t expect the professional to “fix you”. That’s your task – with the help of God and others. The professional is there to provide guidance and help. Be prepared and do the work.
Take notes before, during, and after your time talking with them. You are paying for the time and information. Many will not allow recording due to liability issues, but you can pause to take notes. Be prepared with your questions and what you want to work on. Take notes of the important points they say. Make sure you understand and take note of any assignments they suggest.
Then, do the work between appointments. Change doesn’t happen in a professional’s office. Change happens as you work on it between meetings.
When you return to see them, don’t expect them to remember the important points of your care. They have seen a LOT of people. Briefly, and respectfully, remind them why you are there, the key points in your issue, what they recommended you do, and what happened when you did it.
And don’t be afraid to respectfully ask the critical questions, including if they have worked with cases like yours (specifically), what the path of healing looks like, and what it takes for someone with your issues to find resolve. If they don’t have good answers, ask them who they think might be able to help you.
Starting Points
While we cannot recommend any specific individual professionals for your case, here are some starting points for finding someone to help you. Each link will take you to a group through which you can look for a specific type of professional in your area.
Sexual Issues
While “Professional Counselor”, “Mental Health Counselor”, “Marriage Therapist”, “Psychologist”, and “Clinical Social Worker” are protected terms (you must meet state criteria to use these titles) “Sex Therapist” is not. Thus, the wise consumer will want to screen potential helpers to carefully assess their training and background. The following groups ensure those on their list meet specific criteria, but customers will still want to carefully check out the training and experience of potential helpers.
The American Board of Christian Sex Therapists – http://ABCST.org
This group of individuals are masters/doctoral level Psychologists, Professional Counselors, Marriage and Family Therapists, Social Workers, and Nurse Practitioners who have met (or are actively working on) the requirements to be a Certified Sex Therapist and hold to a broad faith agreement. ABCST includes a “Find a Provider” option where members may be searched.
International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health – http://ISSWSH.org
ISSWSH includes a “Find a Provider” where ISSWSH members who are in clinical practice may be searched. Providers include Sexual Medicine Specialists, Sex Therapists, Pelvic Floor Specialists, and other providers focused on women’s sexual health.
International Society for Sexual Medicine – http://ISSM.info
ISSM includes a “Find a Provider” (look under “Members”) where ISSM members who are in clinical practice may be searched. Providers include Sexual Medicine Specialists, Urologists, Sex Therapists, and other providers focused on sexual health. Most providers will be specialists in working with male issues.
International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals – http://IITAP.com
IITAP was a group initially focused on certifying sexual addiction therapists (CSAT). Over time it expanded to certify more than just sexual addiction therapists. Their current “Find a Therapist” list includes Pastoral Sex Addiction Professionals (PSAP), and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT), among others. While not the only approach to addressing sexual addiction and compulsivity, it is the largest organization conducting such certifications.
Marital Issues
Counselors
While most counselors and therapists will tell you they provide couples or marriage counseling, one study found that less than 11% had formal training in the theories and techniques of providing marriage therapy. Just because they watched an online video and have the “certificate” for watching it doesn’t mean they are trained.
We recommend you talk to your local pastor for a recommended counselor in your area (many churches have lists of recommended counselors). Friends and trusted advisors may also have recommendations.
The following sites also have lists of counselors who meet specific criteria. Note that most referral websites charge counselors a fee to be included. Many good counselors –especially more experienced ones – already have a full list of clients, do not need any more referrals, and do not pay to be on these lists. In other words: just because a counselor isn’t listed doesn’t mean they don’t meet criteria for the list.
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists – https://aamft.org
Their “Find a Therapist” section includes Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. This is not a faith-based list, so if that is important to you, you will need to explore this subject with the therapist.
Focus on the Family – https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/
Focus on the Family has a rather restrictive filter a professional must pass to be a part of their referral network. This filter includs whether the professional identifies as a Christian. Not everyone on the list will be great, but this list may be a good starting point when the faith of the professional you work with is critical to you..
Marriage Friendly Therapists – https://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com
Therapists on this site are screened to ensure they have training and experience in marriage counseling theories and techniques, and are “pro marriage.” They are not screened for faith. If that is important to you, make sure you ask the counselor.
Intensives
See above for a discussion on the intensive format. Many counselors provide intensive options. There are also groups that provide intensive programs for couples.
Hope Restored – https://hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com
Initially run by the National Institute of Marriage, Focus on the Family has taken this highly effective marriage-intensive program into its lineup of services. Definitely worth a look for couples on the brink of falling apart.
We hope this helps you in your journey. You are the customer and your health is worth it. Find someone great to help you.
PS: If you know of a group you believe should be on this list, please reach out to Dr. Sytsma with your recommendation.