That definitely doesn’t sound fun or intimate. There are medical interventions that can help. I recommend you talk to a sexual medicine specialist though some gynecologists are good at this also. In addition to hormone therapy (which many physicians believe all post-menopausal women should be using something to assist with genital health post-menopause), there are medicines designed specifically to assist with this. A qualified sex therapist may also be able to help with the mental, emotional, and relational components. See secretsofsexandmarriage.com for where to start.

Well, it would be ok except you both want different. All couples have a typical sexual dance. While there may be value in adjusting it at times, the tried and true is familiar and can be very rich. Adding in occasional variety and spice can be fun, playful, erotic, or just more intimate. You may have a good reason for saving the “animated” sex for when you are away from the kids. Have a coffee table conversation with your husband about what the two of you want, the concerns you have, and see if you can come up with some creative solutions. This is your sex life. As long as what you are doing is genuinely honoring to both of you and adds life to your marriage (without harming kids or others of course), have fun.

I’m sorry. He will need some recovery time and then possibly some retraining. Think of it as a heart attack or other serious illness. Doing the bypass surgery may help stop the ongoing damage, but then the heart needs to heal and then, he will need physical therapy and exercise to get his heart back into shape. A qualified sex therapist can assist. There are also a couple of books out there for sexual retraining (I like Restoring the Pleasure by Cliff & Joyce Penner).

Good question, but we didn’t ask this specifically. Clinically, we will see this on rare occasion.

Wow. Yes. Lots. Talk to your doctor or a sexual medicine specialist. For both, it can be a bit tricky in how hormone replacement therapy (HRT) plays off other meds and our genetics. As I mentioned above though, the typical current belief in sexual medicine specialists seems to be toward some level of HRT.

Good question. Not a clear, straightforward answer because sexual desire is so complex. The state of the relationship, your general physical health (esp. are you getting enough sleep), your relationship with sex, and your hormones all play a role. “Obligation” is a definite hinderance to the process though. If you are pre-menopausal, use a simple calendar to track your hormones and your sexual desire to see if there is a connection. (And read chapter 4 of Secrets of Sex and Marriage.)

Beyond, “hey, bucko. I need you to rise up, be a man and manage this.”? 😉   (Yeah. That’s probably not your best approach.)

First, thanks for being sensitive to how difficult these conversations can be for men. However, for many men, knowing the impact it has to your heart helps motivate them. Especially if you are clear you aren’t trying to be critical of him. (Hopefully, he doesn’t feel you are critical of him in general.) Invite him to explore his fear and hesitancy and to lean in to fight for your marriage. (Also note, my answer is assuming your partner is male.) 

Individuals can reflect both. Many will switch with different seasons of life, or with hormone, environment, or relationship changes. For some, their desire type is quite stable. For others, it can change regularly.

Well. That is highly varied. I have some men in their 20’s who take PDE5 inhibitors (the category of drug that includes ‘the little blue pill’ and others) due to another medical issue that affects performance. I also work with elderly men who don’t need it. Smoking, waist circumference, sleep hygiene, nutrition, exercise habits, heart health, are all major players in sexual health for men. If these are out of balance, he may benefit from a PDE5 inhibitor earlier in life.

Hah. You asked the forbidden question.

This actually gets a bit complex—beyond a simple answer—and it will be easy for people to misunderstand what I am saying. But since you asked, let me try…

For anyone who believes masturbation is wrong for them (i.e., a sin for them or a betrayal of their spouse), it would add to guilt/shame and detachment from their bodies if they engaged in masturbation. This is not helpful. Telling them not to believe this would not be right (or helpful).

Others see masturbation as a normal human activity and view it through the lens of the Apostle Paul’s statement, “’Everything is permissible for me,’ but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me,’ but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Cor 6:12 CSB). For these individuals, the key is to make sure the goal is enriching sex within the marital bed. At this point, her learning to connect with, and know, her body will allow her to be a better instructor to her husband and can really help the marriage. If not kept within that goal, the behavior is likely not beneficial or may begin to master them.

For your second statement, it makes sense the Church has taught against masturbation when you understand the historical teaching on sexual theology. Historically, the primary (and often only) purpose for sex was procreation (not pleasure, connection, intimacy, etc.). As such, any sexual behavior that didn’t have procreative potential (like any self-pleasuring) was considered sinful and wrong – so not encouraged. A side effect of this was that pleasure was often discouraged – especially for women. Some pockets still hold to that.

You share the heart impact of the behavior/activity to you. A caring spouse will not want your heart hurt, nor to hinder your sexual response because of a desired behavior. If they do not care about your heart, it probably should impact your desire and you will need to set boundaries to protect your heart. If you are truly afraid this will go poorly, seek help from a trained sex therapist who will help you.

Awww. Thanks! I am honored you allowed something I said to impact your life so greatly. Thanks for doing the work!

First, I’m sorry you haven’t had sex for months. That is definitely worth problem-solving.

Second, many blood pressure meds DO impact sexual function in men—often greatly. Additionally, PDE5 inhibitors (Viagra being one of those) can be dangerous for someone with heart or blood pressure issues due to the impact they have on blood pressure. Those bought overseas are typically even more unreliable or dangerous for a host of documented reasons. I would strongly recommend he NOT take it without consulting his doctor first. That being said, there are treatments that can help. A urologist, sexual medicine specialist, or qualified sex therapist can help if he is willing.

Have a heart-to-heart where you aren’t critical of what he is doing, but sharing the cost of his behavior to your heart. If he can’t hear it, or isn’t willing/able to change, seek the help of a qualified therapist to help you discuss it together and give you guidance on your next steps. (You could start at secretsofsexandmarriage.com for where to find help.)

Go YOU! Being creative, continuing to lean in, and enjoying rich physical touch is often what it is about as we age. I am regularly sad for couples that aren’t adaptive and stop being physically intimate in some level because their bodies don’t work like they did when they were 21 any longer. Keep playing together!

I’m so sorry. He made a commitment at the altar to protect the sexual part of your marriage and life. Clearly, this isn’t happening. Anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, grief, hopelessness, and a host of other negative feelings would be normal and appropriate. His approach leaves you with only bad options.

There are therapists who specialize in working with partners of porn and sex addicts or with partners of sexual betrayal that can help guide you through options. (See the help section of secretsofsexandmarriage.com for guidance.) Remember, this isn’t about you, and you cannot control him, but you can seek help and health for you.